Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Chocolate Eggs in the Night

"I was over in Australia during Easter. It was interesting to note they celebrate Easter the same way we do; commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit left chocolate eggs in the night." --- Bill Hicks



Monday, July 1, 2013

SKETCH: Plutocracy




INT. Plutonian Oval Office

President KHYPER is standing doing some sort of meditation/yoga/tai chi poses. WARREN BUFFET enters.

BUFFET
President Khyper.

Khyper lets out a strange wail.

BUFFET(contd)
Your robot let me in. He said you'd be expecting me.

KHYPER
(composing self)  Yes of course. You must be Mr. Warren Buffet.

BUFFET
I am.

KHYPER
I apologize for the rude reception Mr. Buffet. I haven't seen anyone if 50 years, and then boom, all of a sudden. A person.

BUFFET
I tend to sneak up on people now that I travel by wormhole.

KHYPER
Wormhole? That must be expensive.

BUFFET
It is a business expense...

KHYPER
Oh, so you are here on business?

BUFFET
I am always on business. They say don't mix business with pleasure. Luckily I have no pleasure, only business.

KHYPER
On Pluto, I have no pleasure or business ... or anything.

BUFFET
That's what makes Pluto such a nice place to be. I've only been here for 2 minutes and I love it already. Makes me feel young again.

KHYPER
You do look younger than I thought you'd be, Much younger ... skinnier ... and more Jewish.

BUFFET
Wormholes do funny things to a man's complexion. I'd look in the mirror myself, but I had my reflection removed for my 115th Birthday.

KHYPER
You're 115?

BUFFET
I know. I'm getting up there in years. I'm sad to say that no matter how many fetal spinal fluid injections I receive, I cannot escape the jaws of mortality ... and that is why I am moving from Nebraska to Sector 11 Dog Balls, Pluto.

KHYPER
I don't get it, why would you want to move to Dog Balls, Pluto?

BUFFET
Because of your long years. I don't have much time left, but on Pluto if I live just one more year, that's another 250 Earth Years. Also I like Dog Balls ... it's got a nice ring to it.

KHYPER
Mr. Buffet, this is very exciting. You can live here with me and we will be best friends.

BUFFET
I am sorry Mr. Khyper, but Enemies are the only friends I have.

KHYPER
So we will live together as Best Enemies then.

BUFFET
Well we could do that, but I'd have to shoot you for trespassing.

KHYPER
Trespassing?

BUFFET
You see I bought this Planet and I intend on retiring here, alone. And you are now trespassing.

KHYPER
I am not …. You can't buy a planet!

BUFFET
But you can buy a planetoid.

KHYPER
A planetoid?

BUFFET
Yep, planetoid, that's the bullshit term I made up for this planet, so I could buy it.

KHYPER
But I was chosen by JFK himself to be his man on Pluto! While Neil Armstrong was playing hopscotch on the moon, I was headed toward Pluto, aboard a top secret spaceship, Destined for Anonymity!

BUFFET
I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news Mr. Khyper, but JFK was killed by Frank Sinatra. Neil Armstrong is a hero, and you obviously don't know what "anonymity" means.

KHYPER
But I can't leave Pluto. Where would I go? What would I do? I have made Pluto everything that it is .... even though it is nothing.

Khyper is distraught, Buffet consoles him.

BUFFET
Relax. I have big plans for you. You will return to Earth through my wormhole, and take over for George Lopez in the midnight slot on TBS! Following Conan Obrien.

KHYPER
I don't know what any of those things are.

Khyper begins to walk away

BUFFET
(bribing) I could turn you into a star?

KHYPER
(he turns back)
A star like Elvis or a star like the Sun?

BUFFET
Whichever you'd like.

KHYPER
I always wanted to be a white dwarf?

BUFFET
Like Peter Dinklage?

KHYPER
No, like The Pup from Canis Major?

BUFFET
Consider it done.

KHYPER
Oh thank you Mr. Buffet. You are my best enemy.

BUFFET
So it's settled then. Now step on out back, and I'll show you my wormhole.

Buffet pushes Khyper offstage. KHYPER screams. BUFFET laughs maniacally.