Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Chinese Toddlers Dominate Drunk Americans

Last night Alicia Sacramone, the real life daughter of fictitious mob boss, John "Johnny Sac" Sacramone, fell on her ass a couple times and the U.S. won a silver medal in Women's gymnastics at the Beijing Olympic Games. Sacramone, a 5'1" goliath, looked out of sorts all night, and turned in an uneven performance, where she looked both nervous and hot the entire time.

The Chinese entered the balance beam portion of the contest, holding a 1 point lead, which in a sport that deducts points for camel toe and armpit sweat, is nearly insurmountable.

The U.S. was ready to symbolically concede the world to China, but then from out of the sky came a gift from the always pro-American God in heaven .... Gasp! one of the 5 year old Chinese girls made a fatal error in front of an entire nation of 5 year old girl murderers. When the 35 pound China doll fell off the balance beam, the whole stadium drew firearms and threatened to sell her to a Fruit of the Loom factory.

With that 8 tenths of a point deduction, an American comeback seemed probable ... for a moment. But then that hot Amazon from Brown University, who at a towering 5'1" looked like some sort of white Serena Williams, ruined everything when she launched her huge 105 pound frame from a spring board, and failed to execute a simple front flip onto a 4" wide bar suspended 4 1/2 feet above the ground, in front of roughly 1 billion home viewers.

(I might not know the first thing about Gymnastics, but I watched the Chinese kindergartners mount the balance beam from a step stool. Not quite sure why Alicia thought she had to get all crazy.)

And then, with the taste of failure fresh in her mouth Alicia took to the floor exercise, where she did flips and aerials with force and strength that would make Tony Hawk (or almost any other guy) cream in his pants ... and ended up on her ass ... and stepped out of bounds. And then the anorexic blonde girl .... stepped out of bounds. And then the little powerhouse girl, who could kick the doors off a bank vault ... stepped out of bounds. And somehow this team of vertigo stricken teenagers ended up with a silver medal. And of course we, the sore losers of the United States of America, still find a way to bitch. Because a silver medal isn't good enough.

I think everyone needs a little perspective on this. The U.S. Women were falling off parallel bars and balance beams for 2 out of 3 days. The Chinese were (to anyone's surprise?) using child labor. And the Russians were out of sight drunk as hell ... as always. In the end the little girls stayed on their feet longer and the American sorority chicks got a silver. Boo-hoo.

I do feel bad for Alicia, she seemed pretty crestfallen. And she probably won't want to look at that silver medal for a while. She just needs to learn a thing or two from Mitch "The Wild Thing" Williams, who unceremoniously ended the Phillies' bid for a World Series Title in 1993 with a middle of the plate fastball.

Alicia, move out of town (or in your case the country) for a while and then come back 20 years later and launch your own Salsa Line, or you could always get a job at ESPN as a field correspondent. If that doesn't work, think of the Alternative. Are you really jealous of Li Shanshan, the star of the Chinese team? She will have her day in the sun in China, and then, when she gets all big and womanly like you, the government will revoke her fake passport and sell her into wage slavery, where she will be forced to make giant Sponge Bob dolls for American Carnivals forever. So really Alicia, even as a big fat loser, you are a winner .... And so are you America.


kelly said...

I see how you work. Make me laugh and try to rob me of my righteous patriotic rage. But you do have some good points, i'll go back to being annoyed at the gymnastics 'play by play' jerks.

vinylphreek said...

you are a funny freaking feller for a drunken Irish man...i love you man- hiccup

ns said...

I remember 'Kel' from back in grade school. Always with the jokes and offbeat humor, a step ahead of the rest. Good stuff - keep it up!

Chrissy said...

I want some toquitos

C.O.S.E.= Constant Optical Surveillance of Earth said...

Good shite mate, I'll subscribe.

Anonymous said...

I always knew our family was completely screwed in the head. Now you've just confirmed it. Blogtastic!

The Philadelphia Mixtape Exchange said...

you are so in love with that alicia sacramoni. maybe we need to make a trip to providence so you can give her a good dickin'